Mr Naraku's Mischievous Plan
by InuFan-Kenhandora
Summary: A messed up story originally written as a skit for my drama class. Very humorous.


Mr. Naraku's Mischievous Plan

_This is based a skit I wrote for my drama class. Sadly we didn't use it, but I'm posting it here for you all to enjoy. Perhaps you will appreciate it better than my group members. In this, there are certain characters that we needed. A hero, a villain, a damsel-in-distress, a kid, another kid, a business owner, a secret admirer, and a comic relief. We also needed a love triangle and a conflict. See if you can figure out who is who, and believe me, it's not that hard. The original names of the characters are (in order of what they are) Captain Defeato, Mr. Small, Nora Snow, Bill, Jill, Mr. Tartonitaleano, Elmira, and Marvelo: Boy Wonder. The evil assistant was a character I added because we could and because I wanted to play that part. Her name was Igora. _

It was a bright and cheery day in the Sengoku Jidai and in the middle of a clearing sat Miroku's Pizzeria. Inside this happy establishment were busy people going about their day. The owner, Miroku, leaned by the register, counting his hard-earned jewel shards as his daughter stood next to him, idly chatting on the phone as she wound her hair around her finger and giggled goofily every so often.

Outside, hidden in the shadow of a tree, a villain watched on as a waitress served two children a hot round pizza. He watched her longingly and not even questioning what a modern American pizzeria was doing in Feudal Japan before letting out a contented sigh as he leaned on his evil assistants head.

"Ah, Kagome, by far the most lovely thing I have ever seen…besides the Shikon no Tama." Mr. Naraku said with a far away look in his before he turned and looked at his assistant and pointed to the pizzeria. "Watch me impress her by robbing this joint."

"Yes boss." Kagura replied in an Igor type fashion before laughing like an idiot. Mr. Naraku crawled from the shadows and approached the place, tossing Kagura through the doors so that they opened. _When the author quits controlling me, I'm so gunna kick her ass. Author jabs evil assistant for plotting against me._

"HA HA! I am…Mr. Naraku!" he exclaimed with a strange echo following after as the customers and other grew silent. Miroku looked up from what he was doing and smiled at the villain before walking over to him, though he didn't really know why he was going to be nice to somebody who had cursed him.

"Mr. Naraku, your usual table?" he said brightly as Mr. Naraku rolled his eyes.

"No you fool! This is a murder…er…robbery! I want all of your jewel shards. Kagura, to the register!" he bellowed in the monks face, his breath like rancid dog poo.

"Shards. Shards. Shards." she giggled as she ran over to the strange metal machine before realizing she had no idea how to open it. Back where Mr. Naraku and Miroku were, the monk fell to his knees and started groveling.

"No! You can't!" he cried, pouting at the villain. "How will we survive! How will I pay for the phone bill Kikyo is always raking up when she call the dead guys in hell!"

"Ha, well I am!" exclaimed Mr. Naraku said, while wondering how jewel shards could pay for a phone bill and even more, he wondered how in the seven hells Miroku ended up with Kikyo as his daughter.

"You won't get away with this Mr. Naraku, you'll see!" Kagome said valiantly as she helped Miroku up, only to knock him unconscious when he gave her rear end a squeeze. Mr. Naraku laughed stupidly at her remark, knowing he was an all powerful demon.

"And who will stop me? You? I think not." he remarked as he snapped his fingers, getting the attention of Kagura who had fallen asleep and was drooling on the register that she still didn't know how to open. She snapped awake and wiped the spit away with her sleeve as she rushed over to her boss. "Tie her up!"

Kagura grabbed Kagome and held her hands behind her back as she found some rope that came out of nowhere and bound her arms together. Kagome kicked the incarnation in the shins and hopped away angrily.

"You fiend!" Miroku exclaimed, regaining consciousness in time to see Kagome tied up. He winked at Mr. Naraku, who had no idea why, and went over to Kagome and patted her bottom happily until she kicked him in the gonads and he crawled away.

For some reason, the author makes the other characters freeze in place as Kikyo slams down the phone and stomps over to the scene. "DADDY! What's going on out here? I'm in the middle of plotting InuYasha's demise so I can take him to hell Er…_gets poked as she is handed note cards with her lines on them_…I'm trying to talk on the phone. Oh, Mr. Naraku!"

"Kikyo, come away from there. He's an evil villain." Miroku said, grabbing her arm and gently pulling her away when she turned back and shot an evil glare at him, making him shrink back and move away.

"Oh, my beloved Mr. Naraku is stealing from us. How utterly delightful! I wonder if he's noticed me yet?" she said with glee as she stared at him with scary wide eyes. The group unfreezes as Kagura returns to the register again and tosses it to the floor. It opens, only to be empty. She turns back to the counter and sees the shards sitting on it. They had been there the whole time.

"Here boss." she said, handing the shards to him as Kagome hopped over. She bit Naraku's hand and the shards fell to the floor as he cried out like a girl.

"Toss her back into the corner and let's get out of here." he said, turning and seeing a pizza sitting on the table where Koga and Sango sat, dressed up like two schoolchildren. She wore a frilly dress with a huge bow on her head and was holding a dolly, while Koga had a hat with a spinner on it and held a lollypop in his hand. Neither looked happy.

"Yum. Pepperoni and bacon." Mr. Naraku said, forgetting about everything else as he scurried over to the table, drool leaking from his mouth as he snatched the pizza away and began scarfing it down.

"Hey, I just paid ¥102,287.47 ($1000 American) for that pizza! It's not cheap to buy a pizza when it's the only one in the whole world at this point in time." Koga complained as Sango tried hard not to laugh at his whining. _Author poking him. "Say the line!" _"Let's get him!"

"Umm. Sure." Sango replied, staring down at the doll on her hand and shrugged before she tossed it at his head, surprised when it left a lump on the back of his head and somehow a brick fell out of it. Koga jumped up and ran to the villain before slapping him in the face with the lollypop, which stuck to his forehead. The two continued attacking him until he finally snags them, knocks them out, and tosses them at Miroku, which couldn't have made the pervert happier to get to hold onto Sango. He purposefully stepped aside after he caught her so that Koga went smashing into the counter and laid there.

At that moment, InuYasha walked in, drawn by the smell of food and quite surprised to see everybody standing around like idiots. "What the hell? Kagome? Sango? Miroku? Why is Koga dressed like that? And why the hell is Naraku standing around here eating a pizza!"

_Author mind control starts to activate as he goes from wearing his normal outfit to be clad in tight black tights, a red leotard with a milk bone on the chest, and a long black cape. On his face is a red mask over his eyes, which do the all white superhero thing. Corny superhero music begins to play._

"Argh! It's my arch-foe. Captain Dog-boy!" growled Naraku as he tossed the very expensive pizza out the door.

"It is I, your arch-foe, Captain Dog-boy!" InuYasha said proudly before the hero music stopped with a loud annoying scratching. "WAIT! Captain DOG-BOY! You are EVIL!"

"_Yes, but I'm the author and what I says goes." plbbbb. :p_

"I just said that you moron." Mr. Naraku spat, smacking his hand to his head at how dumb his foe was. InuYasha slowly turns to face the villain as a long and awkward silence falls over the group while they wait for InuYasha to save them. Off in the distance, crickets are chirping.

"You…will…never succeed. Come…take me…on in…" the hero said in a William Shatner voice as he continued, his voice getting low and slow like it was dramatic. "Haaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd toooooooooo haaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd cooooooommmmmmmmbat!"

"Ba-ring it!" Naraku said in a girly voice as he put a hand on his hip and put his other up in InuYasha's face like he was all that. A fight ensues between the two as they do fake karate moves and cry out with very annoying karate noises. Soon, the fight is over and InuYasha finds himself pinned beneath Mr. Naraku's foot.

"HA HA! I have beaten Captain Dog-boy!" Mr. Naraku exclaimed throwing his hands up in victory as he leaned down to sneer at the hero he had defeated.

"Yes, I admit it. You have beaten me, but before I am doomed to die and spend the rest of eternity with my beloved Kikyo…" InuYasha began before Kagome, still tied up, somehow managed to slip her shoe off her foot and bean him in the head with it, knocking him to the ground. "Like I was saying, before all that, I have something to ask you."

"Speak." Mr. Naraku said to him, breathing his rank dog poo breath in InuYasha's face and making him gag with disgust.

"I must ask, why are you robbing a pizzeria? Most villains prefer to rob the bank that is full of jewel shards." InuYasha questioned, finding himself wondering what in the hell was a bank and how could there be one full of shards.

"You see, I came here last week and ordered my usual pizza." Mr. Naraku said, getting teary eyes and pulled Kagura over so he could blow his nose in her hair. She yanked her head away quickly, resulting in him pulling half of her hair out.

"I ordered a pepperoni and bacon, a simple order, but they…" he continued, pointing at Miroku like the evil monkey in Chris's room from Family Guy. "They served me a…a…PEPPERONI AND SAUSAGE PIZZA!"

With that he fell back and began to sob like a big sissy. InuYasha, feeling bad for they guy who had tried killing him several times, got up and patted him on the back in comfort. Naraku stopped crying and turned back to the hero, pinning him down again.

"No matter, soon I will steal all of the jewel shards and they will have to go out of business…though I have no idea how they were in business in the first place." he spat before laughing manically, tossing his head in the air as lightning struck in the background.

"I cannot allow such a fine establishment as this to close." InuYasha said, before craning his neck to peer out the door, where Shippo was playing with a canon. "HE'S GOT CHOCOLATE!"

Upon hearing this, the kitsune flipped out, loaded himself into the canon and shot himself into the pizzeria, bouncing off the walls and furniture like a pinball until he came to a stop in front of Mr. Naraku.

"It's Shippo, Kitsune Wonder!" exclaimed Miroku, still holding Sango and squeezing her bosoms happily while she was passed out in his arms.

"Yes, and now Captain Dog-Boy and I will team up, fight again, ending up with you losing miserably and with utter shame." he said to the villain, smirking at him as he bit the villains foot, giving InuYasha the chance to get up.

"I doubt that. I'm an evil villain, besides, you've yet to stop me before." Mr. Naraku scoffed. Another fight broke out with even worse fake karate moves and noises than before. InuYasha shoved Mr. Naraku into a wall and Shippo managed to knock Kagura out, giving them enough time to tie them up and end up victorious.

"I have lost. I am feeling miserable and utterly shamed." confessed Naraku, finally defeated as the hero's stood victorious. They prepared to take them away when Kikyo came running up to Naraku and hugged him, tears in her eyes…if that's even possible.

"You are absolutely awful!" she screamed at them as she pushed them away and kissed Naraku, making the others gag in disgust at the sight. "I was afraid to admit it, but I love you Mr. Naraku! Please, oh, please, won't you let him go this one little time?"

InuYasha saw her said face and nodded, untying him and let him go free. "If it's for you Kikyo. Next time, he won't be so lucky. Of course, I suggest you just fill out a complaint card. I bet you that Kaede was working that day."

"Well, let's all go get some ramen." InuYasha said to the group, even Koga who finally woke up as everyone disappeared out the door. A figure squirmed in the corner. It was Kagome and she was still tied up.

"INUYASHA! SIT!" she bellowed as he fell to the ground outside and rushed back to get her. They all left and were happy.

Some Time Later

Mr. Naraku sat in his castle a comfortable Lazy Boy chair and was drinking sake as he casually flipped through the channels, yet again wondering what the hell a television was and how it got to his hidden castle. He wore nothing but a pair of boxers and a bathrobe that hung open near the chest.

As he sat, the doorbell rang. As he considered getting it up, he decided against it, choosing to send Kagura to the door so he wouldn't have to miss a second of Pokémon. "KAGURA! Answer the door and fetch me my pizza!"

"Mmm! Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!" she said happily as she skipped like a monkey and brought it to him. He seizes it from her quickly and gives her the evil eye before opening the box with happiness.

"Wait your turn." he spat at her as he looked at his pizza. Suddenly, his face scrunched into an angry expression as he vaulted up from the Lazy Boy and gripped the box tightly in his fists, his eyeball twitching slightly. "Pepperoni…and…SAUSAGE! I ORDERED PEPPERONI AND BACON! KAGURA, GRAB MY SPANDEX, WE HAVE A PIZZERIA TO HOLD UP!"

Kagura ran off quickly as he tossed the box to the floor and stomped on it. She returned with the spandex and he quickly donned them before rushing out the door to hold up Miroku's Pizzeria yet again.


End file.
